Bed Bugs, Lice, Piss, and Other Awesome Magical Shit
by Kylarileiza
Summary: School is fun especially elementary when lice, bed bugs, wet clothes, and stinky smells are always in the air.


_A/N: Had random stuff in my head. This story has no plot. The kids are all elementary age here._

 _Free Hugs_

Kenny sat uncomfortably in his desk, repeatedly sticking his hands into his hood, itching frantically. He'd seen Mr. Garrison glance at him with a raised eyebrow more than once. Great, the teacher was probably onto him. Did his mom forget to wash Karen's hair again? She must not have gotten rid of the nits. Who was he kidding?! Of course she had forgotten! He'd almost constantly had lice his entire life and he was pretty sure his sister had never _not_ had lice. Some friends were never allowed to visit and he could figure out why pretty easily. Eric glanced over at his friend more than once and shook his head with a sigh.

"McCormick!" Mr. Garrison beckoned him over after hastily scribbling out a note and handing it to him. "Take this to the nurse." Kenny took the paper and nodded before heading out the door. It was annoying but at least he was getting out of class for a little while. He took his sweet time getting to the nurse's office, stopping in the bathrooms, using an excessive amount of paper towels to dry his hands, humming happily to himself. He looked at the note again and squinted trying to make out what the words were on the paper. It's not like his parents were totally literate and they never really helped with homework or read bedtime stories or any of that other stuff that would help mold a child's mind. Kevin had tried, but he wasn't exactly stellar and likely had his own learning disabilities that were largely ignored as his parents missed every single IAT meeting to help set him up with an IEP as they did for Kenny, too. And Karen. It wasn't as if the staff hadn't called children services but they couldn't force children services to do anything. If CPS deemed the home appropriate, the school staff couldn't force the kids out or the parents to actually _parent_.

Kenny brought the paper closer to his eyes, squinting harder. Definitely something about lice. Luckily, grocery stores still had big bags of ice labeled ICE so that was one of the few words he'd been able to pick up by sight alone. And he knew the "L" mostly because Kyle had an "l" in his name, otherwise he probably wouldn't have known; he saw the letters different than his friends, Kyle and Eric always said he wrote them backwards. He finally found his way to the nurse's office nearly an hour after he'd been initially sent out of class. No one answered her door so he slowly made his way into the office.

The woman who was usually there was sitting at the desk. Kenny really wasn't sure what she did except answer phones and do what the principal told her. She was just the office lady as far as he and his friends were concerned. She looked at him expectantly. "Can I help you?"

Kenny shrugged and handed her the note. She took it and read it. After a second, she shook her head, grabbed a pen and hastily scribbled something back before handing it back to the boy. "Take it back to your teacher. There's no nurse here today. And take that hood off."

Kenny accepted the paper back and shrugged again, leaving his hood on, before leaving the office and walking towards his class again. Slowly. The bathrooms needed to be stopped in again because there were still paper towels in the dispenser. Kenny found Clyde in the bathrooms, drying his hands.

"Hey," Clyde said, waving his hand in front of the hand sensor to get a paper towel. One scrolled out and Clyde waved his hand to get a longer paper towel. He waved his hand again and again until the paper towel was practically in the trash can beneath it. "Aw, man, it's dirty now!" he exclaimed, ripping it off and chucking the whole thing away before waving his hand in front of the sensor again, repeating the process. Kenny thought this looked fun and got to work on the other paper towel dispenser in the bathroom. "Kenny? Aren't you going to use the bathroom first?" Kenny shrugged, muttering something through the hood of his parka. Clyde shrugged also. "Yeah, if you think your hands are dirty you should wash them." The two stayed in the bathroom until the dispensers were out of paper towels, the trash overflowing. "Aw, man, Kenny, we gotta go find the custodian or go to the office and tell them we need more paper towels."

Kenny nodded, completely in agreement and followed Clyde out of the bathroom on his mission to find the custodian. The two wandered around in the hallways some, hoping to run into the custodian. Once they realized he wasn't on their end of the school, they headed towards the other, passing the office in the process. The office lady immediately spotted Kenny's orange parka and called the boys over. "Hey, you two!" She called out. Another staff member was in the office, giving the boys her own curious look. The office lady called to them again. " _Today!"_ The boys shuffled in and both staff members did not look thrilled. The office lady frowned at Kenny. "Didn't I send you back to class like…. An _hour_ ago? And why do you still have that note in your hand? Did you even give it to the teacher? Let me see that note!"

The other staff member grabbed the note and looked at it before grinning and shaking her head. "No, looks like you were the last to write on it," she said trying not to laugh before handing it back to Kenny. She turned to Clyde. "And why were you out of class?"

"I had to use the bathroom."

"You have bathrooms in your hallway," the office lady pointed out.

"We ran out of paper towels."

" _Again?!_ The custodian just put new paper towels in there like three hours ago! How many paper towels are you kids using to wipe your hands?!" She glared at the two. "We really should just make them use hand dryers." She sighed before picking up the walkie-talkie on her desk and asking the custodian to refill the paper towels. _Again._

"Go back to class," the other staff member told the guilty looking boys. "And don't stop in the bathrooms! We have cameras!" As the boys left, they heard her lean over and whisper to the office lady, "Are you and Mr. Garrison exchanging notes now? Who's in school here, really?" she asked through giggles. The office lady just grinned and shook her head.

"What's your note say, Kenny?" Clyde asked after they were out of earshot of the office. Kenny handed the note over with a slight shrug. He knew it was about lice but he really couldn't make all of it out. Clyde looked at it. "Please check for lice. He has been scratching his head all morning and I think I saw a bug fall out of his hood." Clyde looked up. "I think Mr. Garrison must of written that." He skimmed further down the note and continued, "There is no nurse here. I am not checking anybody for lice. Just make sure he doesn't hug anybody." Clyde sighed, handing the note back over to his friend. "Sorry, Kenny, looks like you're not allowed to hug anybody today 'cause you got lice."

Kenny frowned at the note and angrily ripped it up, crossing his arms over his chest and frowning. Clyde shook his head. "Kenny, I don't think that was the best idea. What are you going to show Mr. Garrison now?" His classmate muttered through his parka. "Kenny, I don't think anybody _planted_ lice in your hair." At another outburst from his friend, Clyde frowned. "I mean, I wouldn't put it past Eric Cartman, either, but I really don't think you can plant lice…" Clyde trailed off thoughtfully. "Wait, Kenny!" he exclaimed excitedly. "This is great! Since you have lice, you can hug all the people you don't like and give _them_ lice!"

During their lunch period, Kyle stopped in the office to pick up the lunch his mom had dropped off. He paused as he saw the office lady and his teacher chatting, neither looking pleased as they looked out towards the cafeteria, both paying particular attention to his friend in orange. The lady was frowning at Mr. Garrison. "I _told_ you to make sure he _didn't_ hug anybody, not to encourage him to hug _every single student_ in the school," she griped as she watched Kenny hug multiple students tightly. Mr. Garrison sighed.

"I told you he had lice! Why didn't you check him?!"

"Oh, should I just get Rid X out and start combing and washing students' hair right here in the front office while I'm answering the phones and door?! You know he wasn't the first student sent up here with a note like that and he wasn't the last." There was a long pause as she looked up at him from her seat behind the desk thoughtfully.

"What?"

"You do know what lice looks like, right?"

"Why?"

"Because that was not _just_ lice, my friend. That was something else you saw falling out of his hood. I saw one, too."

Mr. Garrison groaned. "Can't you call his parents or something? It's probably both."

"Probably is, but it's illegal to send kids out of school just because they have bed bugs. We have no nurse here to confirm the lice. Besides, I can almost never get in touch with that kid's parents, you know that."

Kyle shuddered and left the office, suddenly grateful his classmate had been against hugging him, made more sense now. Still didn't change the fact that Kenny had been over on the weekend. Kyle was definitely going to be inspecting his mattress as soon as he got home. He was already swiping at phantom itches and crawly feelings. Part of him felt just awful but another part of him knew he did not want bugs in his bed. Or lice for that matter. Lice in his hair was a nightmare, his mom had threatened to shave it last time he'd been unfortunate enough to have the little bugs running wild through his locks. He was going to find out soon enough that luck had just not been with him that day.

 _Bald is Beautiful_

The intercom buzzed over Mr. Garrison's voice as he tried to explain to his class the wonders of twerking and how it had come to be integrated into society. He rolled his eyes and waited patiently for the speaker.

"Can a Kyle Broflo… Can Kyle from Mr. Garrison's room please report to the office. Kyle from Mr. Garrison's room to the office, please."

A round of "oooooooo"s followed as Kyle begrudingly got up from his seat, mouth pressed into a thin line. He drug his feet walking to the office, already suspicious of what he was being called about. He doubted it was about his fight with Cartman but who knew, the other boy might have gone crying to the office or counselor like he did sometimes, twisting things to suit his own narrative.

He arrived at the office and the office lady from the day before and another staff member he didn't recognize immediately were waiting for him, each with sympathetic smiles on their face and nervousness in their eyes. He narrowed his eyes at the lady who was standing, he was pretty sure he vaguely remembered her being introduced by the principal earlier in the year; she was in training to be a principal or something if he remembered correctly. The office lady beckoned for him to come closer when he paused in the doorway. He walked to the desk where she leaned across it, whispering conspiratorially, "Kyle, your mom called. She wanted us to make sure you were okay…" Kyle shifted from one foot to the other, suddenly feeling even more uncomfortable under the two staff members' sympathetic stares. The office lady's voice dropped lower with more sympathy laced in her voice, "Your mom let us know what happened and we just wanted to let you know if you need a break or have any issues, you can come up here and let us know."

The lady that had been standing nodded her agreement. "You know my office is always open, too, in case you want to talk to someone other than Mr. Mackey." She said pointing across the hallway to her office, with the glass door. Kyle looked away from them and looked to the floor, nodding the whole time they spoke, wishing he could sink through the floor. Why was his mother making this such a big deal? It wasn't like this had never happened before.

The office lady offered another smile to him, "It'll grow back," she offered up in attempt to be comforting. Kyle shrugged. "You can head back to class now," she encouraged. He nodded again, clutching his hall pass tightly in his fingers. He made his way back to the classroom even more slowly than when he'd left. He heard the two ladies in the office whispering to each other before he was completely out of earshot. "He had such pretty hair. Such a shame his mother had to shave it all off. It had finally grown back."

"Well, he's not the only one. I have to call, like, five more boys to the office to have this exact conversation," the office lady's sullen voice carried over.

"No girls?"

"Not yet…"

Kyle's ears had perked a little at hearing that at least five other kids in the school had also had to have their heads shaved. He wondered if they were also in his class. Once he got to class, he heard the office lady's voice over the intercom, calling for Eric Cartman and it took everything in Kyle not to point and laugh. Once his rival returned, he handed a note to Mr. Garrison. The teacher squinted at it through his glasses.

"Oh my, really?" He looked up at his students. "Why don't they just all want them at one time?" Cartman just shrugged.

"Do I look like the office, Mr. Garrison?" he bit out angrily.

"Craig," Mr. Garrison called out, "You go to the office next. Kenny, when he gets back, you get to go to the office. Tweek, you can go after him. And, uh, Stan, you can go when Tweek gets back."

Kyle's hand swivled over to Stan quickly. His best friend was a bright red and Kyle offered up his own sympathetic smile. It made sense that he, Stan, and Cartman all had lice, too. He remembered the office lady's words and leaned over to hopefully offer some assurance to his friend, "It'll grow back," he whispered. Stan just nodded, face turned about five shades redder and pulled down at his hat, hoping the entire school didn't know why they were all being called down to the office. The ones that hadn't caught on yet caught on quickly when Mr. Garrison made his next statement.

"It's okay, boys, bald is beautiful! Totally in style right now, too," he said, beaming and rubbing the top of his own head.

 _A/N: Super random, I know. Will be updated at random, too. Thanks!_


End file.
